Well… … …so much for writing a new post everyday! But you can’t blame me, it’s been February. February is my biggest month for pussy. I literally have been icing my ball sack every night…
I’ve been thinking this would be easier if you all left me ideas to “riff” off of! It can be anything! Anything goes! Abortions? You got it! Cocaine? Why not! Jews? In a second! This is an all out post-a-thon….but I can’t do it without you! So subscribe and comment! I’ll check in shortly!
I offer to you now, my readers, the chance to go on a date with me. Following are a list of guidelines:
1) You MUST have a vagina.
1a) Your vagina must not have been medically grown/attached/adapted for your body. It’s all natural baby.
Well, I suppose I don’t look like much of a gentleman if I start off with that. But can you truly blame me? It’s 2013-shit has gotten really weird out there. You can never, NEVER be too careful.
2) I prefer the intelligent. See? That proves I’m not actually trying to get into your pants!!
3) Dog lover, not a cat lover!!!
This reminds me of one of the BEST dates I’ve ever been on. I actually killed a dog that was attacking my girlfriend! What a man I am! Consequently, my worst date ever was the time I killed my girlfriends overly playful dog…..
Alright I suck at making lists….let’s try another approach…
Here’s a list of my good qualities!
a) I’m good at sex! I haven’t had lady luck in over a year, but I hear it’s just like riding a bike!
b) I’m awful at riding a bike.
c)I’ve never been to prison on purpose! I’ll let you google that one for yourself… … … …
d) I’ve only done meth once, but I SWEAR I thought it was cocaine!
Well, if this doesn’t peek your interest, I don’t know what will.
Inauguration Day 2013. Here we go…..gun control has been such a huge aspect of the nations arguments as of late. But I feel that there are more urging matters we should be focusing on. Like the fact that straight men will never be able to grow old and reach the title of an “Old Queen”. That seems unfair to me. Also, the fact that you don’t have to wash cast iron skillets because they are “seasoned”? Well great. All the rest of my dishes are now “seasoned”. So are my clothes and my ball sack.
Another problem that needs fixing in this country is the new style of motorcycle helmets with mohawks glued on them. That’s essentially a “Do Not Resuscitate” card, right? And foreign languages. Why do all foreign languages sound like someone falling down the stairs? It’s all angry and yelling….
There are more pressing matters that we, as a united nation, need to deal with. Please…share this with your local congressman/woman….kidding. Just Congressman.
Let’s get the ball rolling…any questions you’d like to ask a complete and total stranger?!?! Leave ‘em in the comments!!!
That got your attention, didn’t it? Perverts.
And we begin with “It’s another beautiful day in New York!” said Bobby, sarcastically. Whose leg do I have to hump to get a little sunshine around here? As I affectionately (sarcastically) call her, Mother-in-Law Nature needs to bump up her sun output. It’s been nasty for a month and I KNOW she can’t blame it all on her period. I don’t know much about the female body, mostly because I can’t get a woman to come down to my lab!!!! But if I had to make a scientific calculation, I’d say the female period (different from the ever popular “male period”) lasts only a few days. Sorry guys, no sex with Ms. Nature for a few days. (Though as the famous comedian Louis C.K. often says: “I don’t care! Fuck her in her period hole!”
So what does a dashing young man such as myself do with a day like today? Well, after I deal with the lengthy line of women all vying to earn my hand in courtship (there’s one gentleman in the line? Not sure how he slipped through security…..oh well. Who knows, I’m 22. Maybe I’ll do the second half gay.) then I shall place myself in front of the piano and practice a bit. That’s right, I play piano. Trained classically. Does that make me less of a man? Probably. But does that bother me? I go to therapy four times a week…
Well Folks, here begins another successful failure of my journey through the comedy world. Here you’ll receive daily updates of my life through the eyes of a budding comedian: rated Top Comedian of the Year through my own self-published magazine. That’s right…Bobby Warren is here and he is here to stay. At least until my microwave dinner “bings”.
Things to keep in mind while reading this:
1)Read this daily. What are you? Lazy? You don’t want to be known as a lazy ass do you? You’ve heard it enough from your parents and from your friends. Hell, you probably ARE in fact a lazy ass son of a bitch. But that doesn’t bother me!! I mean, if we’re being honest, it does. It totally bothers me. I don’t want to be associated with you. Point is, read this.
2) Laugh a little. We live in an increasingly cynical world (made up of mostly lazy asses such as yourself) and we need to take a few more moments to ourselves. Look at Iran. There’s a group of people that can’t go “a-hahahaha!” and look how they turned out. Another person who couldn’t laugh? Hitler. Boom: roasted.
3) Pay me. Seriously, send me money. Rent is due pretty soon, and I’m using my time to write this. A little monetary expression of thanks would TRULY be appreciated for the next 1-3 weeks.